Friday, 4 June 2010

Mediation for fun an profit!

My specialties are criminal law and family law, and it’s odd, because the latter can make me despair far more of humanity than the former ever could. I mean, Criminal law will show you how vile, how evil and how truly ridiculously foolish humanity can be at times – but if you want to see pettiness, sheer spiteful, vindictive, self-destructive VENOM then family law is the show case every time.

I think in a more recent case my opposite number may be a trifle new. He was very very eager to follow the proper procedures and how things should be done and all the advisory things we should do.

Sparky: Mediation, ok, let’s take that as done, no amicable settlement, no..

OG: Wait, we didn’t mediate, shouldn’t we set something up?

Sparky: No, save costs and consider it impossible. The state and my sanity will thank you.

OG: But we haven’t even tried!!!

Sparky: Have you even spoken to your client about mediation yet?

OG: If we can agree to meet up…

Sparky: *sigh* ok let’s save time and start it now.

OG: But, I…

Sparky: My client would like his *ahem* “shrivelled, rotting testicles on a platter” I believe silver was specified but I am sure she will be open to negotiate on that. Oh and his, let me check the exact words, ah yes. “his still beating heart to be fed to that filthy whore who can’t keep her legs together” yes. Are you in a position to agree to either of these points?

OG: Um… so mediation is done then?

Sparky: Well, I don’t want to be in a small room with these 2, not without a full Kevlar bodysuit anyway.

It always amuses me that we’re pushed to encourage more mediation. It shows a complete cluelessness in the proceedings. In families where mediation is possible the participants are normally happy to do it and don’t especially need pushing. In families where mediation is not possible, pushing will only get your arm ripped off by a rabid hyena.

Despite this, it doesn’t top the couple that had to be physically restrained by their lawyers. Or the couple who spent gods alone know how many hours arguing over the freaking KETTLE. Or the couples (note plural!) that started DESTROYING their things rather than let the other person have them. Or the couples who have tried to hide assets, up to and including houses, to pretend they didn’t have them. OR the bigamist-with-mistresses-and-multiple-children which was more of a scrum than a divorce (I didn’t work on that one. Thank ye gods).