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Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Sparky’s absence and the Chinese of dooooooom

So, Sparky has been invisible for a little while, most irritatingly. I dislike it when the absences fall together, I get withdrawl I does.

Of course, absence for Pride was far more fun than trhe Chinese of Dooooooom. Which was not fun. Not fun at all.

Coming in from work, it’s late, I am tired so is Beloved but he has ordered chinese because neither of us can be bothered to cook. It’s a new place and we like to try new places – after all, as I said, I’ve never actually had a bad chinese meal, just different levels of good.

Famous. Last. Words.

Sparky: *pokes spring roll* you ordered vegetable spring rolls?

Beloved: Nope, meat. *pokes* Uh, allegedly? *dissects* hey, there’s some

Sparky: I’ve seen more meat stuck between a vegetarian’s teeth.

Beloved: These won tons have meat… sausage meat

Sparky: Nah, it’ll be pork mince

Beloved: Try

Sparky: *tastes* sausage meat won tons… well that’s a new on

And it gets worse

The chicken tasted like they took the oldest, most mangy broiler chicken, boiled the meat to transparency then left it under a hot plate for a month before adding the sauce – which SAID it was ginger and garlic but tasted like cornflower (in fact, this was a theme of the night. Now I use a lot of cornflower in chinese cooking – but you’re not supposed to use it as a FLAVOURING!), it was thick and gloopy and lacking in any flavour. The vegetables were raw – not au dente, utterly raw, even the broccoli.

The sweet and sour sauce was neither sweet nor sour and was a shade of neon orange that may have dazzled any planes flying overhead. But despite that, the beef it covered was utter identifiable not just as beef but even as meat. We had to take their word for it because there was no way to tell by taste

And nastiest of all was… the rice. Seriously how, in the name of all that is tasty, do you screw up RICE? You expect chinese rice to clump – it should or you can’t use chopsticks. This didn’t clump so much as gloop. It was claggy, thick, powdery, and really really vile. It tastes like it has been boiled for days before frying and then they added a rue of cornflower to the mess afterwardss – it had the same floury taste and the same thick, mushy consistency. I never knew anyone could make rice vile. They almost deserve a prize for that. That’s right – this chinese take away failed at cooking rice.

I finally gave up in disgust at trying to find anything remotely edible in the meal, remarked that they had proven me wrong and at least it didn’t make me sick.

Y’know – I should know better than to say things like that. That’s just tempting fate, that is.

There follows a couple of days of me vehemently wishing death on… well, just about everyone an everything, including myself. AND being less than impressed with the ultra-hot weather without airconditioning that didn’t help my suffering self.

I am now tired, manky, and generally all round BLARGLE. I hate feeling manky.

But hell hath no fury like a manky poisoned lawyer. At least, when I have the energy to actually get up and do the whole fury thing. I think I can manage some nasty looks until then. Really mean ones.