While I’ve been indisposed it seems that most of what should have been done… hasn’t been. I can’t say I’m best pleased with my colleagues who neither picked up any of the slack I left (even though, knowing this would be a problem I didn‘t actually use the sick note I have and instead used it to request a little more flexibility), nor any of the slack I was already picking up of previous colleague who had had a randomness happen to them and is still, apparently, being randomnessed. Nor am I particularly happy with the Senior Partners for not recognising the build up and getting in some help. (I’m also pretty sure he has insurance for sick peons so there’s no real excuse)
Nor, it seems, has anyone had the sense to realise taking on new cases at this time was a bad idea. I am particularly Not Amused by the number of cases where someone has taken the preliminary steps on a case that was apparently fully intended to be dumped into my already rather full lap. Especially when those “preliminary steps” have been done in an extremely slipshod manner, to my way of thinking.
It vexes me further that many of these cases require further travelling throughout half of damn Yorkshire (and one case is based in Lincolnshire, would you believe?! I’m sure they eat people south of the river. It is Known. Besides which it‘s flat and boring and nigh impossible to navigate) as well as frequent out of hours work required. And wouldn’t you know it that just about everyone has excuses why they couldn’t possibly do such – interesting how my desire to actually have a social and family life are valued less here, I am becoming increasingly Not Amused on that front.
So for rather too long now I have been getting up ridiculously early and working to ridiculously late and then taking work home with me and/or going out travelling/being on call. It’s annoying and frazzling, I’ve hardly seen Beloved and here I am, on Saturday, doing the same damn thing again.
I’m getting into a rhythm of it now, which is a problem. I feel like I’m being dragged by inertia. That could be lack of sleep, but I’m kid of just drifting from task to task to task. And I’m losing weight from skipping meals again… usually when I go without sleep or proper food my immune system goes on strike which is all I need
Worse thing is that I feel like I’m not making any headway – which means more work is being dumped on faster than I can clear it.
No, the utterly worst thing is that I’m the only one doing this and I’m getting sorely tired of this. I’m tired of being the reliable one, I’m tired of being the one who puts up with the shittiest jobs and I am beyond tired of being the one who is expected to cancel his social and family life constantly and for long periods.
And I’m tired of not only being expected to do this, but not even remotely having it acknowledged that I am doing it – and that no-one else is. Particularly I am beyond sick of it being treated not like I am going above and beyond the call of duty when I put in 14 hour days time and time again, or am on call all night then back in the office for 7:00am, or have agreed to travel to damn Manchester or Cambridge or London at a moment’s notice – but that it’s treated like I’m being unreasonably stubborn, awkward and lazy for protesting any of this.
Add in that the whole way firm is handling this and speaking to me is rapidly destroying my respect for Most Senior Partner and he’s rapidly getting on my last nerve, I’m beginning to avoid him more and more just to prevent him saying something to me that will further increase the growing rift.
Beloved thinks I need to sit down and have a nice clam confrontation. I’m inclined to think it sounds nice on paper but won’t work out well – my nerves are on edge and my temper is rumbling and I have a feeling that any such conversation has a good chance of reducing my respect for him to critically low levels, having my temper snap into a wonderfully creative but ultimately unproductive string of expletives or him saying something that I can neither forgive nor forget.
Screw it, I’m going home now, I’m turning my phone off and it’s staying off all day tomorrow too. I’m going to spend some time with Beloved because I don’t think we’ve spent 5 minutes together for days and I’m going to write some tetchy emails.
I may also eat a full cake. Because.