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Sunday, 1 August 2010

This has not been a productive day

Dear Client.

Thank you. So many of my clients won’t tell me anything. So many of them you need to drag every damn word out of them. It can be more than a little exasperating when your client has a double handful of secrets – especially if he’s not good enough at hiding them to truly keep them secret o they get revealed, say, a day before going to court (which is annoying, it is). There is nothing worse than, hypothetically speaking, walking into a divorce hearing assuming your client is near poverty only to be informed of the Rolls Royce, Swiss Bank account and holiday homes on 3 sun drenched beaches as you start your arguments. Yes, very annoying indeed.

So thank you for being a refreshing change. Indeed I know every scrap of your home life, including your daily routine in painful detail. I know everything possible there is to know of your family life, including more information about your parents than I know about my own. I know about your finances, in fact I think I know how every little penny was earned. In fact, I think I know the history of every penny that has passed through your hands since the very first time you picked up a coin.

I have spent an age listening to childhood anecdotes, each one apparently telling me how impressive and awesome you are. I have heard in painful detail about your holiday in Egypt and how your actions there apparently make you impressive and awesome. I have heard about your awesome and impressive business trips to Dubai in which you did awesome and impressive things. In fact I have spent more time than I care to remember listening to your awesome and impressive stories of awesome impressiveness.

I fail to be either awed or impressed. By all that is holy never have I had such trouble trying to make someone stay on topic.

I begin to see why there is a series of notes on the file that seem to be random sketches, poorly written poetry and please to various deities begging for him to shut up. Oh and a memo offering first born children if they can pass this file on to someone else.

Hey, I am owed a first born child here!

Ugh I’ve now had the better part of the day eaten by this man, still have a backlog that is truly terrifying, it’s now nearly 11:00 and I’m still up to my eyeballs. I do so hate being reliable in a crisis.