Sunday, 17 October 2010

The Sparky self-destruct cycle

So Sparky continues to quest of putting the Sparky brain back into vaguely useful functioning

Part of this involves, for the first time ever, of me breaking the Sparky Trigger Cycle.

It’s a special fail cycle I have trod so often when I am triggered:

  1. Triggering begins. Sparky ignores triggering. Keeps pushing, pretending nothing’s wrong
  2. Triggering is rising up. Sparky goes from “ignoring” to “deliberately poking to prove he can handle it”
  3. Sparky cannot handle it. Has the screaming meemies, a burn out and general badness.
  4. Sparky retreats into shell of the meemies. Shoves all the badness into a big dark hole while avoiding the whole world
  5. Self-anger kicks in – how weak, how pathetic, you’re just giving in! Seriously embarrassing
  6. On the back of anger dives back into the fray. Only now it’s like jumping into a firefight after stripping naked and painting big targets over vulnerable areas.
  7. The Meemies come back with a vengeance
  9. Keeps coming back early despite boom – rinse repeat until enough is hammered down and (usually) the particular trigger has gone.

This is a cycle of failness. Because it is foolish. It doesn’t cure anything, it’s self-destructive. It repeatedly involves jumping into the water with lead boots on, getting out, breaking your legs, then jumping in again with heavier boots.

It’s amazing it’s lasted as long as it has and the reason it hasn’t lasted now is because I had multiple badnesses from multiple sources which were already prolonged, was already exhausted and worn out from work (physically and emotionally), was hurting and exhausted from the marble stairs plummet, and then had one of my most major of major triggers leap out at me and keep coming back – and its still ongoing. Things have not been going smoothly since August.

So my constant, “collapse, back off, and dive back in” didn’t work because it relies on the piranhas having died/turned into a new threat like crocodiles or at least backed off a little. Not that it ever really “worked” per se.

Which is why I have been such a mess lately and it hasn’t bounced back. But there is a plus side – I have actually been forced to acknowledge that, yes, there is an issue here.

And I’ve said that repeatedly and I know it seems like pretty empty “progress” but it really is. As from the self-anger mentioned above and how I have mentioned in the pass – I do not accept the idea that the Sparky brain could have the mentla issues (oooh distancing language, switched to the third person. Don’t think I can’t spot my tricks!). Which is, of course, a whole great big lump of of stinking ableist prejudice. Sure I’d accept anyone else could have triggers, issues, mental fragility? Sure I’ll stand and roar at the very idea that they’re wrong to be hurt and to need help. But let the idea that I may have issues and we’re in “how very dare you? Of course not! Not me! I’m too strong for that!” Yeah, no. Badness there. Definite badness

So yeah, having an “I am Sparky, and I have some problems” is a step. What is a bigger step is “I am Sparky, I have some problems and I need to fix them and I need help to do it.” Isn’t a step – it’s a huge great human canon ball of a leap over pits filled with fire and acid and rabid lemurs.

As to how I’m going to sort all this… well. Yeah, not sure. Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, but there are like more steps after that? Apparently? Damn. Can I do the first step again please? I think I can handle that one.

Bah, I have a friend who probably knows more about all this than me and she’s coming down and we’re having a long talk of things that aren’t issues honest but may touch on them in a lets-not-freak-out-Sparky fashion.

And I’m having lots of talking and hugs with Beloved. He generally thinks I just need to drag it all out in a great big gloopy mess, which I think yeah but also, well, then what? Because being dragged out isn’t a guarantee that the ugly will then go away, it’ll just not be pushed out of the way.

Still that is the Not!plan. Primarily it revolves around Not Making Things Worse and Not Ignoring Things and Hoping They Go Away. And lots of talking and poking and schmoopy comforty stuff. Or less schmoopy comforty stuff and more kinky fun stuff, which is also good.