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Sunday, 3 October 2010

Stepping out of the trenches

I’m just going to step back for a few days. In so many ways I am beyond happy that the issue of the persecution, bullying and harrassment of our young is finally becoming an actual issue rather than being repeatedly brushed off under the rug and ignored – though I am beyond frustrated at the amount of straight people out there deflecting, denying and distracting every step they can from the homophobia, asw well as tut-tutting over insulting, disrespecting and stigmatising these youths by daring to think they may be gay.

I am very glad these issues are now being raised – and I dearly dearly hope that maybe, just maybe some of the underlying problems of heterornoamtive society can at least be acknowledged even if not addressed. At very least I hope something will be done to provide some help and some awareness in schools and at least counter the ridiculous opposition of the hate mongers preventing us offering any kind of life lines

To add here, some very good links I think a worth reading to remember this isn’t just isolated bullying or even personal homophobia – this is a societal problem and these losses are society’s fault. Linky 1 and Linky 2

But it’s also hitting hellaciously close to home for me. There’s a hell of a lot of “been there” coming up for me and a lot of memories are rearing their ugly head. Heh, going into the bathroom past the medicine cabinet is giving me the heebie jeebies so that’s a bad sign.

I’m glad I reported and have been part of spreading the word. But reading it all is running roughshod over my mind and engaging has been like shoving spikes in my brain. I have, in classic Sparky fashion, largely been ignoring this and pushing on. My usual habit is to “suck it up”, repress like hell until the triggers throw me into full blown mopey, depressive hermit mode. For once, I’m going to try and pull out before I drive myself to this point, yes, for once I’m going to be sensible and not pretend that everything’s hunky dory in the Sparky mind. Maybe I’m growing up? Yes, my mind is fragile, cracked in a few places and maybe inclined to shatter – and there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s acceptable to treat the Spakry mind with kid’s gloves from time to time.

Damn, that almost seemed mature and sensible. I must be ill. I got 10:1 odds says I’ll be poking my sore spots and leaving the safe spaces before 2 days have passed.

I say again, I am happy this discussion, this awareness, this reporting is happening. Please, by all that is holy, do NOT take my words and use them to poke people talking and reporting on this issue to say they are triggering people. Don’t run around feeling you have to lock posts, screen posts, hide posts or blog entires or whatever on my account. I can work round my triggers, I’ve been doing it a long long time.

I am glad there are projects to help fight this and awareness raising. I hope it continues and develops and is pressed forward as much as we possibly can. I think this is one of the few ways this horrendous scourge can be addressed.

But I can’t be part of it, not right now. I can’t even watch the “It Gets Better” vids. I hate it, I really hate not being able to leap in here, but I can’t do it, not yet. I think I’ve already dived in deeper than I should have and more than I’m comfortable with.