Thursday, 5 May 2011

Pills and Sparky drama

So I have these SSRI pill thingies which are supposed to be good at combating the badness. The problem is I am 100 times second guessing myself and giving myself grey hairs

I'm second guessing every emotion. Am I feeling this? Am I really feeling this? I don't know whether what I'm feeling is me or my pills. Do I really feel this way? Would I feel differently but I'm not being able to feel it? Would I feel more/less strongly? Should I be angry? Should I be upset? Am I not? Why am I not? Is that a good thing?

Yes, it's a full on Sparky neurotic fit. Which of course then asks “is it a full on Sparky neurotic fit because Sparky does that a lot. Or is it a full on neurotic fit because of pills?” I mean, it's not like working myself up into a complete state is out of character or anything.

But there have been a couple of moments that have... annoyed me. And justifiably. And yet... the level of anger I feel isn't really on par with the level I have felt before – or the level I would expect or consider proportionate. Is it just that I'm tired and jaded and worn and just can't get as worked up about yet more crap, or is it the pills? And if it is the pills how do I feel about that? The idea doesn't please me to be honest, it feels vaguely like being cheated or quieted down.

And what to do about it? Accept that this is long term goodness to sort out the badness. Work UP an anger that is more appropriate and fight against perceived suppression of emotion. Just stop questioning and feel what is being felt even if it may not be authentic to me? And how do I know it isn't anyway

More mental running in circles until I give myself a headache. Yeah I'm good at this.

And yesterday, I drove to a Hole-in-the-wall and realised it was market day. No parking ever since it was bumper to bumper and market stall in half the spaces. Damn... and then someone pulled out not a yard in front of me, insta-parking space snaffle!

Emotion Brain: A Parking space! A gift from the gods! Oh yeah someone up there likes me, look at this space, does it rock, it looks like it rocks, this is a rocking parking space! I LOVE THIS SPACE!

Rational Brain: Uh... yes, it's convenient. Um...

Emotion Brain: We must now have the PARKING SPACE DANCE!

Rational Brain: No... no, we don't be doing that.

And then getting petrol, you know how you never ever ever get the amount right? You always end up putting in £29.97 pence then getting copper back or, worse worse, worse, that 1p over and you have NO coins on you, so you have to split a fiver (or a tenner) for the sake of 1 bloody pence? So I was mildly pleased when I managed to hit £30.00 exactly at the pump – or should have been

Emotion Brain: LOOK Look, everyone bear witness to how awesome we are! How awesome is this?

Rational Brain: Yes, very lucky

Emotion Brain: This day is just so perfect! We need a victory lap! VICTORY LAAAAAP!”

Rational Brain: Are we even safe to drive like this?!

Now, I'm PRETTY certain neither emotional responses are in character for me. Concussed bunny glee is not normally in my emotional palette. Is it the pills? Could it be the pills? I just don't know any more.

Either way, it's bugging me. I'd probably feel 1,000% better if I could just say “this emotional reaction is usual to me, this one has been pill effected” but not being able to tell the difference leaves me questioning everything and it's really unsettling – I mean, if I can't trust how I think and feel then where am I?

Also, less concussed-bunny-glee moments would be a good thing. They're very very very disturbing. Beloved thinks they're amusing.