So on Monday I realise our vacuum cleaner is not working. It has decided to become therapy vacuum. It doesn't actually clean but it does make a reassuring noise to convince you that it is cleaning. After several days of running it over bits on the carpet, letting it buzz at them before pausing to pick them up myself I am resigned – the vacuum cleaner is broken.
No Beloved cries and he runs into action – changing filters, poking cyclones, checking tubes and doing all the things one is supposed to, scattering bits and dust everywhere in the process. Vacuum still does not work.
Having exhausted all logical pathways we naturally took our vacuum back to the shop because it's still under warranty.
HAH! No. Because that would be SENSIBLE
Sparky: it's broken
Beloved: Try it again
Sparky: *moves noisy vacuum over bit on carpet. Bit remains* Broken
Beloved: Try on that bit
Sparky: *tries on different bit on carpet. Nothing happens* BROKEN
Beloved: Ok try on...
Sparky: No, if it picks up that then that means it has a 2/3 failure rate. I'm not cleaning the house with something that only selectively cleans. It doesn't matter if it picks that bit up, IT IS BROKEN
Beloved: Just try
Sparky: *tries. Does nothing* Oh, look. It's BROKEN.
Beloved: Ok, I'll take it apart and check...
Sparky: It's under warranty. Take it back, get a new one.
Beloved: I can fix it.
Sparky: *doubtful look* You couldn't fix the last one, or the heater, or that electric bladey thing in the kitchen. Let's face it, it's 50/50 whether you can successfully change a plug
Beloved: I can change a plug!
Sparky: *doubtful look* Uh-huh so that plug in the..
Beloved: Hallway plug DOESN'T COUNT, the wires were the wrong colour.
Sparky: Oh, that's reassuring.
Beloved: Anyway, you can't fix anything
Sparky: Of course not, I'm a lawyer. I'm not allowed to have practical skills. It's in the rule book. Neither of us can fix this – and even if we could, we shouldn't have to – it's UNDER WARRANTY!
Beloved: Ok, I'll just check...
Sparky: Put that screwdriver down! Drop it! DROP!
Beloved: Fine I'll take it back tomorrow while you're at work.
So, yesterday I come home come into the living room and find... a vacuum cleaner. Technically. Scattered across the whole room in little little bits.
Well, it's definitely not working now. And I dare say our warranty is void.
Remind me again why I haven't murdered him?