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Friday, 3 June 2011

Crabs!

So I stagger in from work yesterday after another ridiculously long shift and am greeted by...

Beloved: I have crabs!
Sparky: ….
Beloved: CRABS!
Sparky: Wait...
Beloved: Wonderful CRABS!
Sparky: Let me get coffee, then I will respond with appropriate innuendo.
Beloved: Ok I can wait
Sparky: *gets coffee* *ahem* you should go to the clinic about that
Beloved: That's it? Not your best snark.
Sparky: yeah, long day.
Beloved: I got 2 crabs at the market *brandishes whole crabs*
Sparky: Weren't you going to get a new vacuum cleaner?You went out for an electrical appliance and come back with crustaceans. Then you wonder why I don't like it when you shop?
Beloved: See, that was better snark.
Sparky: Thank you, I try.
Beloved: Of course, if you're complaining I could go and buy expensive electrical things without you tomorrow?
Sparky: No, no, you're still banned from shopping without me
Beloved: There's always mail-order
Sparky: Not without credit cards there isn't.
Beloved: *grumble*
Sparky: So I have crabs to clean?
Beloved: Don't worry, I'll do it
Sparky: *sceptical look*
Beloved: I can clean a crab! I know what dead man's fingers look like.
Sparky: Fine, I'll just relax here and watch.
Beloved: Fine *raises rolling pin over whole crab*
Sparky: What are you do-
Beloved: *brings down rolling pin. There is shrapnel*
Sparky: *ducks* You're doing it wrong...
Beloved: There will be no backseat crab cleaning, thank you! Quiet in the cheap seats
Sparky: I'm not drunk enough for this, where's the damn Baileys *wanders off looking for booze*
Beloved: *Sound of lots of hammering*


Let it be known that the correct way to clean a crab is NOT to beat it repeatedly then pick out the shards of shell from the mushed up crab meat. Or to pick the shards of shell of the counter top. And out of the walls. And off the floor. And on top of the cupboards. And in the sink. And off the ceiling. And out of the living room. How did it even get in the living room?! Ugh, he will scatter stuff on the floor, walk in it then go for a tour through the house.

Oh and there are dents in my wooden rolling pin. So I have a rolling pin that is not actually flat. This could also be because he left it in a bowl of water. So it is dented and warped. Alas, it can now only function as a blunt instrument... now what what what would I do with such a thing I wonder?