Monday, 27 June 2011

So, dinner tonight.

Ok. Let me try to get the chain of events fixed in my head.

So yesterday, since we had the death heat of doom, cooking was utter agony in our sweltering kitchen I sat down and saw that the weather forecast man (who I hate for making it this hot. Yes it's his fault) announced merrily that tomorrow (Monday, today) was going to be even HOTTER and even MORE HUMID oh yes, ha ha ha.

To which I announced that we would be having salad because no way am I cooking.

Beloved: Oooh fresh baked bread!
Sparky: I'm not cooking but you think I want to bake?
Beloved: But but we can't have salad without fresh bread *sad panda eyes*
Sparky: I'll set the bread maker going
Beloved: It's not as goooooood
Sparky: Y'know in any other house? You'd have plastic bread from the supermarket
Beloved: *sad panda eyes*
Sparky: Can you imagine kneading bread in this heat?
Beloved: *sad panda eyes*
Sparky: FINE. I'll knead it tonight at midnight when it's cool and leave it to rise over night. Happy?
Beloved: yaaaaay!

Sparky: (At 1:00am) here I am, the middle of the night making BREAD. My husband needs all the shiny technological devices while I make food for him as if it were the 16th century!
Beloved: And you're a saint!
Sparky: A saint! I demand canonising right...
Beloved: Don't saints take a vow of silence? It's late...
Sparky: Oh, oh, you better stay awake, I'm murdering you in your sleep!

So the next day I look and realise that I have enough bread to start a religious rally if we can get some fish so I say to Beloved that since he's meeting A and T today, he could ask them to come round and eat salad stuff.

Now there are 2 versions of events to what happened next.

What I think happened:

Beloved: *using a large megaphone* Come one, come all! Come to Sparky's all you can eat buffet! ROLL UP YE CROWDS! PLENTY OF FOOD FOR EVERYONE!

What Beloved insists happened

Beloved: Hey, A, do you and T want to come round for dinner? We're having salad
A: *naturally confused since, like all right thinking people, she thinks Salad is a garnish* Salad?
F: *overhearing* wait, you have to see these guys' salads. They have like a table load of food with some green stuff in one corner
R: *joining* Oh yeah, you've got to see it. I'm in!
F: Yeah me and G too, so there.
A: Ok, I'll tell T, we'll be there.
Beloved: Great.

Beloved: *on phone* Sparky! Did I tell you how much I loved you?
Sparky: What did you do?
Beloved: Well...

So thankfully salad was a success. There were some lettuce leaves and cucumber in one corner of the table (garnish). But then there was tuna and smoked salmon and mackerel and loafs of bread and squid and humus (I always have jars of it. I could live on it) and prawns and shrimp and boiled eggs and pickled cabbage and pickled onions and pickled beetroot and piccalilli and pickles and chutney and 6 kinds of cheese

The fact there was enough for everyone tells you that either I am a miracle worker or I always make too much food. I prefer the former.