Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Random stuffness

Somewhat net free weekend. Though I admit to sneaking back to the net a couple of times. Sadly, too many things pulling me away prevented me from getting comfy in my seat.

Had to deal with faaaaamily. Family visits are never fun and this was no exception. I'm going to go with shoving this onto the back burner and dealing with it when I have the energy to. Family visit, family fucked up, again, take a pill and move on because it has lost the capacity to shock it has. I'll return to it and pull it apart as is my wont, but for now I'm going to do some severe compartmentalising and not go there. It's actually something I'm good at.

Randomly twitter seems to be not co-operating with me. Sometimes it's fine, sometimes it just times out. Not sure why, I should probably poke at it when I can gather the energy and the inclination. Which likely means I'm not going to get it fixed by am going to be endlessly frustrated by it and irritated by it. Also youtube is doing the same thing. And other stuff I hardly ever use. Hmmm. The sensible thing to do would be to examine this and make sure it's not a symptom of something larger. Don't particularly have the energy to be sensible.

My to do list is enormous but, sadly, is also not urgent. This is a terribad trap for me – vital stuff due tomorrow ill get done. Vital stuff due next week will be ignored. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to keep ignoring it until it becomes a tidal wave I'll sorely regret. Yet knowing that I still don't seem to be fixing it. Filed under problem for tomorrow.

Work is complicated. It's also going onto the back-burner. That back-burner is getting awfully awfully full. Tomorrow's problems for another day. Even if they're really today's shoved aside.

Therapy continues to be, well therapy. And I suppose it's a bonus that I'm calling it that rather than many usual love of avoiding the whole thing. Is it doing good? I don't even know. I can't parse between what's pills, what's progress, what's suppression, what's burn out (which I think I have a lot of) and what's good ol' “I'm not dealing with this.” Things are certainly more stable now, if not necessary good. But stability is a bonus. Guy-who-is-paid-to-listen-to-me-whine is patient, tenacious and generally unmoved by emotional cracks and is always willing to stop and go back to the beginning. Which is of the good. Of course, cynical brain also tells me that when paid to listen to twaddle it's very easy to be patient with said twaddle. I should know, I've put on the same “yes I'm interested, please babble at me some more” face with my own clients.

The pills are much of a muchness, but that's not really a bad thing. I'm still not happy happy joy joy about them – both from my jeebies being heebied and from the side-effects and certainly from my grasping for emotional authenticity, but I do have stability where I didn't before. Maybe a few months of stability will just make things easier to move on to the next level, if any.

And if not? Well, I kind of not want to consider any possibility of “if not”. But, realistically, “not being great but stable” is a damn site better than “sometimes great, usually crap with frequent melt downs”. Probably anyway. On the whole life has been worse and could certainly be a lot worse and, looking back from a position of stability, I see that I wasn't exactly being unstable – I was crashing. I'd say crashing and burning but that sounds rather dramatic and like a cheesy song lyric anyway. So, the choice isn't really “not great but stable” vs “sometimes great, usually crap with frequent melt downs” but more “frequent melt downs, and cracks and splinters and it's alllll going to be REAAAALL messy sometime soon”. Is this better than reaaaal messy? Yeah I'd say. Certainly since pulling out of REEEEALLL messy would have been a pain, and while trying to come up from where I am isn't easy, it is easier.

Of course, intellectually knowing all this isn't quite the same as emotionally accepting this. I can say all this aloud, know it is true and still have it feel like a lie. Still, repeating it until it's true may help – it works for journalists after all.

Beloved is still cute and patient. I think he's starting to relax at last in the knowledge that I'm not going to explode into messy chunks any time soon. I think he's been on a full scale “distract Sparky” campaign for... well, for a whooole long time and he can finally come down and not prepare for the worst. If nothing else, that is a wonderful thing.