Monday, 19 September 2011

Sparky fails at being mentally ill

As I said on Sunday, Beloved has been away for much of the week – not away away but not around since we've been working different hours and then he had to go away for the weekend. At the same time I had to play host to my brother and cousins (who left midweek) which was somewhat exhausting and mildly irritating at times. And 5 people are missing from work for various reasons so my work load spiked, along with annoying clients and my having to battle with the bosses to ensure everyone's load spiked equally rather than my taking the lion's share, again. And then I got sick with the lurgy – either brought up by my brother from Wales, or from work – either way, stomach cramps, nausea and general badness ahoy! It should also probably be noted here that as of last week we were trying a pill adjustment.

So, that's a bad week by any standards. There was no way it was going to be a good week, and no way I was going to feel other than irritated, tired, ill and generally wanting to reduce the world to ashes. So when I started feeling down, well of course I was feeling down. I was tired, over-worked, ill, not spending enough time with Beloved, skipping meals because I'm tired/ill/don't have time/Beloved's not there to insist/replacing them with snacks or not at all, not getting enough sleep etc etc – being down was expected. So as I spiralled further and further into down-ness I clung simply to the fact that the week would soon be over and then it'd be ok. After all, I had a reason to be down, right? Being down was NORMAL. Not being down would be pretty freaking strange.

Yes, so the weekend rolls round, Beloved comes back and he keep asking me if I'm fine. Well, no I'm not but of course I'm not, right? It's been a bad week, I'm ill, I'm tired, everything is pretty shitty – so no, I'm not ok. But I'm not ok in a context where not ok is expected, right?

Except he's using his “step away from the ledge” voice... which is totally unnecessary, it's not like I'm having one of my major bleak badne- oh. Well shit, when did that happen? Rational Brain, why didn't you even notice Emotional Brain turning all the bad dials up to max?

Yes, I had tripped into the Bad Place. Didn't see it coming and missed the point when “this week is crap and I feel crap because of it.” spiralled into “everything in the world ever is bleak and dark, there is no hope or joy and we will slowly rot in ever lasting despair and anguish why do we even bother.” Or, to put it another way, I missed when the messed up brain took over. The crazy has launched a sneak attack on me and I didn't see it coming. Totally got backstabbed, guys, damn sneaky thing.

And yeah it turns out that skipping meals, while generally being a bad thing, and vomiting, also a bad thing, also seems to mean forgetting to take the pills one takes with meals and possibly bringing back up those you do take. Mea culpa, should have thought, should have known better. This is the problem with routine – you get fixed on a routine and when the routine breaks everything breaks. And not having Beloved there to say “you forgot your pill” (normally something that annoys me immensely, by the way – because damn it I can remember to take my own medication!!! Except... apparently not. Damn it memory, I was winning that argument) just lead to me plain forgetting

Of course, knowing that the deep dark bad place is a cause of the Bad Brain helps a lot, it lets Rational Brain realise that the Big Bad Darkness is not because of a bad week, but because of a Bad Brain and can be duly Ignored..

So it's pills, therapist and Beloved as we work to pull me out of this and set me back on the nice gleaming rails of (almost) sanity that I just merrily decided to skip away from. Yeah not happy – and not just because the brain has kind of decided happiness can't happen – I'm irritated that I'm having to regain ground I just lost. And, yeah, I'm irritated because I screwed up. I know better than this and this whole messed up head space I've been living in has been entirely my own fool fault

And Beloved's feeling guilty. Partially because he didn't notice how far off the rails I'd swerved until today and, I think, because he's mad at me and guilty because of it. Which is something I'm going to have to think and talk through.

So, yeah. How annoying is all that? I would say that it's time to open a bottle, but, frankly, in the Deep Dark Place it's unwise to even joke about drinking as a coping mechanism (even if, yes I've done that, Yes I do do that – it's still a foolish, unsafe, unwise and generally wrong thing to do).