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Sunday, 6 November 2011

There is a monster in my kitchen

There is a monster in my kitchen and Beloved is afraid of it. Not only is he afraid of it, but I think he fears for my safety as well

There can be no other explanation to why he feels unable to allow either us to occupy the kitchen alone. Clearly, vanquishing this monster will require both of us, it's our own means of survival


Sparky: *is making tea and coffee*
Beloved: Aha! Now is the time for me to empty the dishwasher! Why yes it does involve barricading the kettle and coffee machine... what? I'm not in the way am I?

Sparky: *is baking bread*
Beloved: The fridge! I need to clean the fridge now!

Sparky: *making cheesecake*
Beloved: Just coming through to write a shopping list. Let me check everything in the cupboard and move things around

Sparky: *is cooking a meal for 5,000 people with exquisite skill and panache*
Beloved: That extractor fan that has never worked and we don't need anyway? I am going to try and fix it now. And even though it hasn't worked for years, it's vitally important I fix it now. Right now. No, it cannot wait

Sparky: *is making parcels and quiche*
Beloved: I am here to clean up! Let me move spoons and bowls before you've finished with them and put them away! Yes, every meal preperation is improved by co9ntsnatly looking for a damn knie

Sparky: *PLEASE LET ME COOK*
Beloved: I'm just checking how the tins are organised in the cupboard. It took me ages to find the tuna the other day


So, there's a monster. I don't know where it is but Beloved must and he is defending me. Why else would he leave the kitchen empty for hours on end and suddenly remember a dozen pointless tasks whenever I try to get something done? It's either a monster or he is deliberately trying to get in my way and annoy me. And I think he has a better sense of self-preservation than to do that