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Sunday, 27 November 2011

We have decorated - and of course something is Beloved's fault


We’ve just finished decorating the living room – we’ve been putting it off for a while but finally had to bite the bullet. I always dread talking interior decorating, I feel I am living the stereotype, alas.

We were putting it off but the sofa decided us. The previous sofa had its own agenda – and that agenda was clearly our own painful destruction. It has the amazing ability to recline and un-recline at the most inopportune times. Sometimes randomly. In fact, you can by sitting perfectly still on it and it will fold itself so many times you’ll get see sick (and concussion since it shifts position with explosive force). It has even been known to change when no-one’s sat on it – so if you’re walking past you can have the foot rest shoot up with knee shattering force.

I object to furniture that is trying to kill me. Also, the leather is so split the cat has started exploring the interior of the mechanism – meaning one of these random reclines has a chance of smooshing her.

Also, it’s leather. I hate leather furniture – you can’t lounge on it without sticking even when you’re not sticky (behave. And yes you were).

So it needed replacing and the living room redone with it since the whole room is very very tired.  And lo we have finished with surprisingly few dramas. No breakages, no spilled paint, no disasters, no migraines… I’m shocked really. It’s so unlike us.

And the living room is warm and soft and elegant and cozy; with warm light brown walls (I’m told the shade is latte. I loathe paint shop colours. They tried to sell me 6 different shades of white paint –WHITE paint – and 11 of magnolia. I hate magnolia and calling magnolia extra-bleached-arsehole-cream doesn’t mean it’s not magnolia), dark chocolate brown carpet, 2 tone chocolate and latte sofa (like this but the cloth is darker) with rich chocolate curtains with a coffee pattern. It’s cozy, restrained, elegant…

Restrained? Damn, someone stencil red Chinese dragons on every flat surface! I need 10 tins of emerald green paint and a large pot of gold. And some gold leaf! I need 200 yards or red velvet! RESTRAINED?! I don’t do restrained. I do terrifyingly courageous and outrageously awesome.
Beloved says it’s a sign I’m getting old. Once. Then he apologised. At length.

What is out of place in my warm and fuzzy living room (and it is fuzzy, the sofas are fuzzy, the curtains are fuzzy, the carpet is fuzzy) is the furniture Beloved perpetrated a few years ago which are not worn enough yet for me to justify throwing the hideous things out. The style is called “chunky oak” but I think is more properly described as nasty Ikea crap put together not by a carpenter but by some fool who though nailing together lumps of tree was a good idea. This nasty, blocky, pale-wood crap fits in my living room like a baby armadillo in a nest of kittens (but isn’t nearly as cute)

So, now begins the plot to destroy these horrible things with sufficient plausible deniability to replace them. Hmmmm...