Thursday, 1 December 2011

Give me the Serenity not to run Through the Street Hitting People with Fish

Or give me a new set of haddocks.

So what do we have to annoy me to day everybody? Oh look, more advice! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! WHAT FUN!

Oh wait, *opens window* *let’s the sarcasm out*

Damiano Tommasi, head of the Italian Football association would advise gay footballers against coming out.

*le sigh* Look, just like we don’t need people advising us to come out, we don’t need people telling us not to come out either. Is there homophobia in professional sports? Gods yes – and no-one knows that better than GBLT people! And most certainly no-one knows that better than GBLT football players – and if they want to be damned brave and come out anyway, kudos to them. If they want safety and security and not to risk everything then they can stay closeted – also their choice and perfectly reasonable. But I cannot imagine any GBLT football player – or any GBLT person period – thinking “oh, I was going to come out but this straight guy says HOMOPHOBIA EXISTS which I like, totally didn’t know, so now I’m changing my mind!”

But wait! It gets worse! See, Mr. Tommasi here isn’t worried about gay footballers being victims of homophobia – no no, he thinks we should be closeted to preserve a “civil space” because footballers are so close together, and change in the same changing rooms that there could be embrassment!

ZOMG the gays be staring at your straight junk guys! HORROR! AAAARGH. Can’t you feel our gayze upon your bodies Didn’t we have this conversation already, Jason Akermanis? Really, I don’t think I need to repeat myself since it still applies and I’m not typing it all out again:

I need to break something to you – the chances are a gay person has seen you nekked

If you ever changed for PE at school, if you’ve ever been to the swimming baths, if you’ve ever been to a sports centre, health spa, joined a sports team, if you‘ve been in a communal barracks or tent etc. In short, if you have ever been in any situation where you are naked around members of your own gender, chances are that you have been seen nekked by a gay person.

We r hiding and looking at your nekked bodies! ZOMG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! RUN straight people, RUN!!!!

And you know what? There are several things we need to address here.

1) Nudity =/= sex. And y’know what? Chances are GBLT people know this better than most people. Why? Because we’ve been here before! Every time we go to the gym or a join a sports team and most certainly at school – gay men have been around naked straight guys, lesbians have been around naked straight women. We‘ve been there, we know and we know it‘s not sexual. We know the difference between sexual nudity and non-sexual nudity

2) Get over yourselves already. Seriously, to all the straight folks out there – gay people do not spend our lives lusting after your hetness. No, really. Enough with this silly idea that because we’re attracted to our own gender, we’re attracted to ALL of our own gender.

3) Y’know what? Maybe you are hot. Maybe you’re drool-worthy hot. Maybe you are so damn sexy that your mere presence in the changing room will make all of our days. Maybe you are sex on legs. Congratulations, have a cookie. Guess what? Your being a pure avatar of solid sex does not mean that we’re going to leap on you and have our wicked way with you. It doesn’t even mean we’re going to stare at you and make you uncomfortable (and, hey, if someone DOES the skeevy leering thing then say something because that’s rude regardless), our libidos aren’t going to overrule our good sense of the appropriate. Which brings me to…

4) The gay panic defence. Y’know, it has been raised in court over here yet again not that long ago. There are a substantial number of straight people who feel it’s ok to attack gay people because they are seen to be making a come on. A touch, a glance, even how we are dressed can be seen as a reason for a violent attack. You think we’re going to stare at your naked straight arse? You think getting an eyeful is worth that kind of risk?

But, of course, the actual argument presented is NOT that gay people are going to rush at the irresistible straight folks and have our wicked wicked way. No, it’s that our open presence will make the straight folks… uncomfortable.

Ok, seriously? So GBLT people are supposed to closet themselves for their entire lives – because this is what that means – for the sake of straight people’s comfort in the dressing room? So straight people can keep the delusion that there are no gays around? Keep their partners undercover, never mention their families, make sure their families are never noticed? Maybe make up a few lies, a fake girlfriend, a fake history? Edit their entire lives for the sake of straight people’s DISCOMFORT? I would gape at the entitlement in this if it weren’t so damn common.
GBLT people don’t have a duty to censor themselves so straight people can pretend we don’t exist.
Yes, I think that about covers it. Oh and to add if we want to look at naked guys? Hi, let me introduce you to the internet. Should mine and Beloved’s lovely bits not provide me with sufficient amusement there is xtube, redtube, porntube, gaytube and many others – and that’s before we even reach for the credit card. You think any gay guy with a computer and an internet connection needs to get his jollies risking being beaten, watching un-aroused straight guys get changed (if he does, there’s a site for that)?

And on the subject of people “helping” who need to shut up and go away, we have Patty Stanger, yes the matchmaker who can’t “control you gays” and thinks we’re all promiscuous and incapable of monogamy (but she loooves us). Well, sadly, not learning from the fact that nothing good happens when she opens her mouth, she has done so again and her foot has been rapidly inserted. oh let me count the problems and yes there’s a few

Ok, firstly, she couldn’t sleep … Patty, why is you making offensive statements that hurt people all about your feelings?

Her mission in life is to help the gay community – damn, it must be hard to fail so badly at your life’s work!

She’s the only one on television matching up gay couples. Ye gods, GOOD?! You think that being patronised by a straight woman telling us how to make our relationships work is helping? And she thinks gay marriage is important – but she openly poured scorn on the idea of committed, long term relationships among gay men!

She’s a very stereotypical person (she means she likes to stereotype people). Do you know what stereotyping of marginalised people is generally considered, Patty? Prejudice.

And she then goes on again to make the SAME SWEEPING STATEMENTS! But she’s seen it (it apparently being every gay man on the planet, how else could it be ok to make such sweeping statements) so of course it’s ok to make sweeping statements about minorities. God told her it was ok and everything

Ms. Stanger, in the name of all that is holy, please shut up. Some people can’t stop digging when they’re in a hole; Patty hires a JCB (I don’t claim credit for this line, but I can’t remember where I saw it. It’s all kinds of awesome though).