In my job you see a lot of tragedy, you see a lot of
pain. You see people at their lowest ebb, at the very worst time in their
lives. It can be quite heart rending.
And sometimes you see people who are out of their
ever-loving minds and make you wish that drinking something stronger than
coffee was considered professional.
I seem to be having a pack of the latter sort, recently. Especially
today which seems to have them all lined up (at least that means I don’t have
to leave the office).
Client #1
What do you want? No, really, because this has been our
second meeting now and I still don’t have a clue. I think that, maybe, you may
be heading for a divorce? Maybe? Or was that just rambling about an unhappy marriage?
Wait, your son is in trouble – is that with the police? Does he need
representation? C’mon throw me a bone here! Honestly, I know every tiny,
minute, dreadfully boring detail of your life now, but still not why you are in
my office. It’s getting creepy.
Client #2
Yes, the weather today is atrocious. Yes, you’re soaked
to the skin, I can see that, you’re currently dripping everywhere. And you
shook out your umbrella in my office – thanks for that. And how come you’re
soaked to the skin AND have an umbrella AND a waterproof coat? Did you go
swimming fully clothed or something?
I sympathise, but I’m not sure why you’re trying to make
me feel guilty. I didn’t, as you so nicely put it, “drag” you here. It’s your
case, if you want to leave then, by all means, the door’s over there and when
you get to court and your soon-to-be-ex-wife is ripping the skin off your back
to make sofa cushions you can tell the court that you didn’t get legal
representation because it was raining. I'm sure everyone will be sympathetic
Client #3
Let us all acknowledge what a terribly scary bad boy you
are. Yes yes, you’re tough and dangerous and mean and *yawn*. Whatever. With
this acknowledged, can we get on with things? Because you’re hard-man act not
only fails to impress me but will impress a judge considerably less. Your threatening
violence against everyone, apparently at random, including the person you
assure me most convincingly that you did not violently attack is not going to
help your case. However, you may help me on one of my missions – it’s always
been my ambition to see if I can make a judge or magistrate laugh due to some
of the ridiculous things my clients make me say. I think your “not guilty” plea
may do it.
Client #4
Normally I hate venomous divorces. There’s something very
sad about two people who, we assume, at one time found each others company
rather agreeable and now loathe each other beyond measure. And often there are
children involved which is beyond tragic. Sometimes there is abuse and
exploitation that is cringeworthy.
And sometimes there’s no abuse, no kids, nothing to
cringe over and the parties are so excessive in their loathing that you just
have to reach for the popcorn and listen to all the over-top threats, dramatic
declarations of war and the glorious, frothing fury that rolls over every
pretence of good sense. It’s one of those cases where you will be politely
reminded you need to try and get the parties to mediate even while the lawyers
are physically restraining their clients from going for the eyes.
And lo, when you came into my office and began the interview by loudly explaining why your husband was Hitler, I knew we’re in for a bumpy ride. Let me get my armour, this is gonna be good
And lo, when you came into my office and began the interview by loudly explaining why your husband was Hitler, I knew we’re in for a bumpy ride. Let me get my armour, this is gonna be good
