Sunday, 2 June 2013

We Have Holy Hand Grenades

The horrible freak who keeps leaving nasty notes and, possibly, scratching my car had an escalation today.

Beloved came in from poking the mud in the garden with a little cardboard box. Once opened it contained little round crackers.

Which is a little bemusing. Someone is leaving random wafers in our garden? It’s not like we’re going to eat something left in the garden anyway – who knows what someone’s done to it (even beloved wouldn’t eat that). Maybe someone dropped it on the way home from somewhere? But the box had no brand name or anything and I didn’t even recognise them – nor did Beloved and he’s very experienced with biscuits. Though not these nasty looking crackers.

Nagging away at me I kept poking them – they’re plain, they’re white, they have an X carved into the middle…



Never having been to any religious service involving communion it took us a while to recognise that it was a box of the freaking host. Yes, communion wafers, at least I think so. 4 little communion wafers in a box.

Beloved went outside and searched diligently but didn’t find anyway wine. We both agree that if you’re going to use holy communion supplies as a passive aggressive holy bomb on someone’s door step, you shouldn’t stint on the wine. You also shouldn’t pay less than £15 a bottle because that would be disrespectful to your lord and saviour, I’m sure. We might place a note with our order next time the decide to leave random holy edibles about.

The wafers are on the bird table now. They ended up there after I pointed out I wasn’t hovering up the crumbs from F and Beloved’s Holy Hand Grenade fight. This possibly means we now have holy sparrows,  blessed starlings and divine blackbirds.

While faintly amusing I have to say it’s still a level of disturbing – and not just in the way that the notes are, frankly I’m getting kind of inured to the notes, the religious tracts etc. It’s so dull. But holy communion paraphernalia? Isn’t that a little… out there? I have to give it points for originality I suppose. but what does this person expect to happen? Us pick one up and suddenly scream "aaaaaaargh the holiness is burning the gay out of me!". It took us the best part of an hour to figure out what they were.

Where do you even get these things anyway? It’s not like Tesco sells them. I kind of always assumed there was, I don’t know, a central catholic warehouse that shipped out communion stuff every month.