Friday, 12 July 2013

State of Me

I’ve not been around as much as I’d like lately and it stems from numerous reasons.

As alluded to in my post about the Great British Food Festival, I had a mental hiccough. Sadly, I’m bad around crowds. There are very few occasions I feel safe in a crowd of people unless I know most of them are GBLT (i.e. most gay bars and Pride – which is about it). I manage at work when I am forced among a crowd because that is in a formal and very familiar setting and my brain can easily recognise that beating down the gay guy in the middle of a court room is Not Done and may be construed as contempt and, at very least, the judge will be a bit huffy that you didn’t wait until you’re away from the court room to engage in such unseemliness.

Crowds get me on edge, even at an event I’m enjoying (including watching Beloved turn bright, burning red in the sun), I can’t relax, I do the full hyper vigilance thing and I’m prone to panic attacks. It’s exhausting, it’s migraine causing, it drains me for days afterwards, as the hypervigilance/nervous wreck elements last several days after the event. It’s also one of the things I have made zero progress on with therapy or pills. Crowds still destroy me.

I’m going to cling to the good in that, while I did after continued blllaaargle from crowd meltdown, I only had relatively minor(ish) blaaargle of self-hatred and anger and “ZOMG HOW CAN YOU NOT HANDLE THIS!? WHEN WILL YOU BECOME A FUNCTIONING ADULT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A LEGAL PROFESSIONAL DAMN IT?!” Ok, maybe not that minor but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Technically. Or so I’m telling myself and I’m clinging to that otherwise I will have to have another Blaargle over the blllargle I’m having because I’m not functional enough to handle the first blaaargle. And that way leads to an infinite loop of blaargles which is just a nasty spiral down into a very very bad place.

Then there was a lot of work consuming my time, part of that is due to work always being hectic and partly due to my insecure need to prove I am actually an adult who can leave the house without someone holding his hand and will show everyone this fact by becoming stressed and snappy and even more huddled and hermitting, focusing on work and ignoring my brain slowly becoming mush. My coping skills are lacking still

Beloved has been fielding – mainly with lots of lurking, occasionally reassurance without hovering, occasional interventions, locking up the booze (did I mention that I didn’t have the best coping mechanisms?) and pushing fun stuff and then pushing fun stuff that is ZOMG SOCIAL (starting with ZOMG SOCIAL but only with gay people relax damn it and moving on from there – unfortunately we may or may not have some huffy folks who don’t understand why they’re not in stage 1 of the ZOMG social stuff) including BBQs. He says it’s for mental health. I say he just wants to play with his RIDICULOUSLY OVERPRICED SHINY.

There is also ongoing issue with Fangs for the Fantasy and my determination (obsession? Possibly) in making sure there is no alteration of our schedule. This is keeping my hands full. Remember to click on the link and send Renee Get Well Moose. It is necessary for Canadians to heal, it is known.

So I’m a little absent, a lot busy, a little hermiting and also being very very very carefully managed.  I am fighting conflicting urges on the management: 1) ZOMG HOW DARE YOU I AM NOT A CHILD?! 2) ZOMG I NEED MANAGING I FAIL AS A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING JUST LOCK ME UP NOW (these 2 can exist at the same time, the mentally ill brain doesn’t have to make sense) and 3) JUST LEAVE ME ALONE TO CRAWL IN A HOLE WITH NO PEOPLE EVER!

My head is an annoying thing to live with at times.