Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Don't try to socialise the hermit!

The last few weeks have been immensely busy, mainly with work but also with an annoying amount of socialness which has kind of left me wanting to hermit.

There are some people who see an introvert and decide it’s time to make me be all social which will then make me HAPPY and JOYFUL and SUNSHINEY WONDERFUL

This combines annoyingly with my mental illnesses to have lots of really helpful people pushing me to get out more because this will magically cure me. More sunlight! More company! More loud, noisy crowds doing loud, noisy crowd things! If I’d just get out more and have fun why I wouldn’t need therapy or my pills or to swing great big axes at people’s heads.

Of course, my social phobias and general dislike of people, anxiety and fear of people especially in large numbers combines to make this the very opposite of help. I think I actually prefer the “have you tried eating X” crowd who think all my problems will go away if I just eat enough vitamin c or goji berries or whatever miracle cure du jour they’ve scanned off the arse end of the internet to the “just socialise and have fun” crowd.

Of course, the badgering at me to get out more wears down my dealing-with-crap reserves until I agree to shut them up – and then go, deplete reserves further and find myself less up to a long fight about why I don’t want to go out YET AGAIN

“But you have fun when you go out!”

Yeah, often I do. Sometimes I do. Usually. But that doesn’t change the amount of effort and energy involved, nor does it mean that, at various points during the event, I’m going to have unfortunate brain melt downs (more on that later) or freaky mood swings or anxiety attacks or generally just be afraid ALL THE DAMN TIME and yes I can do that EVEN WHILE apparently having fun. And it’s DRAINING. Really tiring.

Which means my social life, especially public social life, has a cool down (yes I use computer game references for mental illness). If I’ve revved up to going out last night, I am now out of social manna for tonight. I am /oom! And forcing it is going to create some freaky kind of mana-debt that most computer games don’t let you have because it’s a BAD IDEA, especially since I need to reserve some social mana for work (my sustained spells. Yes I can maintain this metaphor forever).

And then this weekend, with annoying birthdayness, my parents go to Wales to spend time with him for his birthday (our birthdays are close in date, albeit not in year) and he wants me and Beloved to come as well – so we can celebrate both birthdays AND my parent’s wedding anniversary at the same time.

I can’t really say no to that. Even if Wales ALWAYS rains on me. Always. The whole country rains constantly. The second I cross the River Dee? RAIN! Full on, you-better-build-an-ark, rain.

And it was fun – but even more draining and I’d have enjoyed it all a lot more if I weren’t running on empty before travelling to the vowel-deprived hills of Wales.

So I am not Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaained and tired and all kinds of grumpy and completely intolerant of just about any social interaction. And people don’t understand because I’ve had so much wonderful social FUN lately that Is should be buzzing and happy!

Also I caught a vile Welsh disease, I am now flu ridden and even MOAR grumpy